Better Homes and Gardens better just stick to Homes and Gardens

Like any good Southern girl, I like to be domestic. I have flower gardens and tea sets and I like to bake pies.  I also have subscriptions to Country Living, Southern Living (although I don't do my living in the South anymore) and Better Homes and Gardens.

So there I sat on my front porch leafing through the June issue of Better Homes and Gardens the other day when I came across an article titled "Rules to DIY by."  Cool, I love to DIY (or is that DIM?  Do it myself.).

Anyway, I am just scanning the article and spot a list of "tools" I am going to need for the featured project.

These last 4 jumped off the page at me.

Dark towels
Vaseline
Rubber gloves
A timer

Holy crap! What is this project? I am going to help birth a calf?

Why, no. Apparently, BH&G is now doling out beauty advice.   This particular article was about dyeing your hair at home. Umm,  looky, BH&G, I don't turn to Vogue to help me make pie crust. Got it. Stay out of fashion and beauty.

As a constant battler of gray hair and an experienced root toucher upper, I can tell you that the BH&G advice is not that good and it is, in fact, a teeny bit frightening.

Make sure your hair is clean.  Not really good advice. You don't want greasy hair, but if it is freshly washed the dye will not  penetrate.  Not really wrong advice, but not very accurate. This is basic information that Ms.Clairol always warns you about.


Avoid dyeing late at night. Supposedly,  because, according to BH&G,  that is when the hair crisis "hotline" is closed.  This is ridiculous on so many levels. Do people really call the hotlines? Have they not heard of google?  For the love of Vidal Sassoon, you can diagnose diseases with the internet. What is the point of a hotline?

Moral of the story:


What kind of moron would take hair advice from BH&G and what does said moron's hair look like?


Wait, I think I answered my own question.

Look who has a subscription to Better Homes & Gardens.

She doesn't really seem the type.

Better Homes and Gardens better just stick to Homes and Gardens

Like any good Southern girl, I like to be domestic. I have flower gardens and tea sets and I like to bake pies.  I also have subscriptions to Country Living, Southern Living (although I don't do my living in the South anymore) and Better Homes and Gardens.

So there I sat on my front porch leafing through the June issue of Better Homes and Gardens the other day when I came across an article titled "Rules to DIY by."  Cool, I love to DIY (or is that DIM?  Do it myself.).

Anyway, I am just scanning the article and spot a list of "tools" I am going to need for the featured project.

These last 4 jumped off the page at me.

Dark towels
Vaseline
Rubber gloves
A timer

Holy crap! What is this project? I am going to help birth a calf?

Why, no. Apparently, BH&G is now doling out beauty advice.   This particular article was about dyeing your hair at home. Umm,  looky, BH&G, I don't turn to Vogue to help me make pie crust. Got it. Stay out of fashion and beauty.

As a constant battler of gray hair and an experienced root toucher upper, I can tell you that the BH&G advice is not that good and it is, in fact, a teeny bit frightening.

Make sure your hair is clean.  Not really good advice. You don't want greasy hair, but if it is freshly washed the dye will not  penetrate.  Not really wrong advice, but not very accurate. This is basic information that Ms.Clairol always warns you about.


Avoid dyeing late at night. Supposedly,  because, according to BH&G,  that is when the hair crisis "hotline" is closed.  This is ridiculous on so many levels. Do people really call the hotlines? Have they not heard of google?  For the love of Vidal Sassoon, you can diagnose diseases with the internet. What is the point of a hotline?

Moral of the story:


What kind of moron would take hair advice from BH&G and what does said moron's hair look like?


Wait, I think I answered my own question.

Look who has a subscription to Better Homes & Gardens.

She doesn't really seem the type.

Weekend Stupidity Wrap-up

I saw so many ridiculous stories this weekend that I am starting to believe in all the 2012 hype.  What in the wide world of the wide world is going on people? I mean really.  Let's recap shall we?

1. Fergie. And I am not talking about the Fergalicous Fergie. I am talking about the original British version. The anti-Diana.  The one that made you wonder how in the heck Raggedy Ann became a princess or duchess or whatever.  

This frumptacular ho.

Yes, the  famous weight watcher no success story is back in the news.  She was caught on tape trying to sell access to Prince Whatshisbutt for $750k.  I mean really, I can't even remember the guy's name. Do you think someone is going to pay that kind of cash just to have access to him?  Stupid.

Oh, and very Un-Duchessy in my opinion.



2. Tattoo Lip.  You may not have heard of him yet,  but I am sure he will make the cover of The Smoking Gun this week.  He is a local Denver home burglar. Rocky mountain high indeed!

Um, Anthony darling, if you are going to be a burglar, you might think about getting the tattooed words "East Side" and the number "13" removed from your face.  Are those directions to your house?  I am shocked you were caught.

Oh,  and he was caught robbing an Elvis impersonator. Not cool Anthony. Matt and I were married by an Elvis impersonator as featured here (but probably not this particular impersonator as we were married in Vegas). Whatever! You don't mess with the King.


3. LOST.  I did not actually watch the finale.  I tried to watch episode 2 of the 1st season but I was so damn confused, I gave up. It sounds like that was a good call.  Everyone all over the internets is crying about the ending. I don't know what happened,  but I am going to go ahead and assume it was stupid. 

 Don't feel bad if you wasted the last 6 years of your life watching this show only to be led to utter disappointment.  I felt the exact same way about Gilligan's Island. There never was a resolution. Do they ever get off the island?  Did the Professor finally design an invention that works the way it is supposed to without Gilligan screwing it up? Did the Skipper and Ginger finally do it? I was so mad I never found out! I wasted 12 years of my life people. Of course I now know I was watching reruns over and over all those years. At the time, it was very confusing. Sometimes it was in black and white and sometimes it was in color. What can I say? We didn't have Google back in the day. I grew up in the informational dark ages. How was I to know?

UPDATE: Perez Hilton just posted about tattoo lip. He must read my blog : )

Looking forward to more stupid crap,

Weekend Stupidity Wrap-up

I saw so many ridiculous stories this weekend that I am starting to believe in all the 2012 hype.  What in the wide world of the wide world is going on people? I mean really.  Let's recap shall we?

1. Fergie. And I am not talking about the Fergalicous Fergie. I am talking about the original British version. The anti-Diana.  The one that made you wonder how in the heck Raggedy Ann became a princess or duchess or whatever.  

This frumptacular ho.

Yes, the  famous weight watcher no success story is back in the news.  She was caught on tape trying to sell access to Prince Whatshisbutt for $750k.  I mean really, I can't even remember the guy's name. Do you think someone is going to pay that kind of cash just to have access to him?  Stupid.

Oh, and very Un-Duchessy in my opinion.



2. Tattoo Lip.  You may not have heard of him yet,  but I am sure he will make the cover of The Smoking Gun this week.  He is a local Denver home burglar. Rocky mountain high indeed!

Um, Anthony darling, if you are going to be a burglar, you might think about getting the tattooed words "East Side" and the number "13" removed from your face.  Are those directions to your house?  I am shocked you were caught.

Oh,  and he was caught robbing an Elvis impersonator. Not cool Anthony. Matt and I were married by an Elvis impersonator as featured here (but probably not this particular impersonator as we were married in Vegas). Whatever! You don't mess with the King.


3. LOST.  I did not actually watch the finale.  I tried to watch episode 2 of the 1st season but I was so damn confused, I gave up. It sounds like that was a good call.  Everyone all over the internets is crying about the ending. I don't know what happened,  but I am going to go ahead and assume it was stupid. 

 Don't feel bad if you wasted the last 6 years of your life watching this show only to be led to utter disappointment.  I felt the exact same way about Gilligan's Island. There never was a resolution. Do they ever get off the island?  Did the Professor finally design an invention that works the way it is supposed to without Gilligan screwing it up? Did the Skipper and Ginger finally do it? I was so mad I never found out! I wasted 12 years of my life people. Of course I now know I was watching reruns over and over all those years. At the time, it was very confusing. Sometimes it was in black and white and sometimes it was in color. What can I say? We didn't have Google back in the day. I grew up in the informational dark ages. How was I to know?

UPDATE: Perez Hilton just posted about tattoo lip. He must read my blog : )

Looking forward to more stupid crap,

My Graham Cracker ain't What it Used to Be (or F-O Nabisco)

Last year we built a fire pit. We spent countless hours outside roasting food and drinking cocktails by the fire. Now that it is merely snowing every other day, we are once again busting out the gourmet s'mores fixins and boxed wine.

Chase brought home a box of Honey Grahams and guess what?

Some genius at Nabisco decided to shrink my graham. I know there are foreclosures left and right and the unemployment rate is at 50% and Bernie Madoff's wife pissed away a third of our nation's GNP on handbags, but this shrinkage is a sure sign that the world is in real financial crisis. Wait until I tell the tea partiers about this nonsense at our next meeting.  I am sure Obama is to blame. 


Wait, was it my imagination?

I googled it and the internets don't lie people. Those sneaky bastards did indeed shrink my graham.

This observant consumer knows what I am talking about.


Did they think I would not notice?  My scientific s'more formula is now in the toilet. All that work perfecting my Cadbury to marshmallow to cracker ratio was all a big waste o' time. F me.

+

+

=

Thanks a bunch Nabisco!

And don't get me started on their "whole grain" formula.  Despite being labeled a cracker, Mr. Graham and Mr. Animal, you are both cookies. Stop trying to be healthy.

Oh, and as you may have guessed I did not have anything to blog about really, I just could not stand seeing Paris Hilton's skanky behind in my face when I pulled up my site.

Have a great weekend!

My Graham Cracker ain't What it Used to Be (or F-O Nabisco)

Last year we built a fire pit. We spent countless hours outside roasting food and drinking cocktails by the fire. Now that it is merely snowing every other day, we are once again busting out the gourmet s'mores fixins and boxed wine.

Chase brought home a box of Honey Grahams and guess what?

Some genius at Nabisco decided to shrink my graham. I know there are foreclosures left and right and the unemployment rate is at 50% and Bernie Madoff's wife pissed away a third of our nation's GNP on handbags, but this shrinkage is a sure sign that the world is in real financial crisis. Wait until I tell the tea partiers about this nonsense at our next meeting.  I am sure Obama is to blame. 


Wait, was it my imagination?

I googled it and the internets don't lie people. Those sneaky bastards did indeed shrink my graham.

This observant consumer knows what I am talking about.


Did they think I would not notice?  My scientific s'more formula is now in the toilet. All that work perfecting my Cadbury to marshmallow to cracker ratio was all a big waste o' time. F me.

+

+

=

Thanks a bunch Nabisco!

And don't get me started on their "whole grain" formula.  Despite being labeled a cracker, Mr. Graham and Mr. Animal, you are both cookies. Stop trying to be healthy.

Oh, and as you may have guessed I did not have anything to blog about really, I just could not stand seeing Paris Hilton's skanky behind in my face when I pulled up my site.

Have a great weekend!

Skank has to start somewhere. I am just sayin.

I totally blame this combination:

+

For this ridiculousness: 

Target ad

WTF?  Is this necessary Huggies? 

Shake yo groove thing chubby butt. Seriously?

All right all you mommy bloggers, do you approve?


If so, do you approve of this as well?

"I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips,

hold me tighter than my Dereon jeans"

I swear I cannot take it. At what age is it okay for your kid to start being a skank?

PS:  I hear Pampers is coming out with a line based on this look (buy two packs, get a coupon for a free baby belly ring and a pack of Virginia Slims). Stay tuned.

 Trying to stay sane,

Skank has to start somewhere. I am just sayin.

I totally blame this combination:

+

For this ridiculousness: 

Target ad

WTF?  Is this necessary Huggies? 

Shake yo groove thing chubby butt. Seriously?

All right all you mommy bloggers, do you approve?


If so, do you approve of this as well?

"I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips,

hold me tighter than my Dereon jeans"

I swear I cannot take it. At what age is it okay for your kid to start being a skank?

PS:  I hear Pampers is coming out with a line based on this look (buy two packs, get a coupon for a free baby belly ring and a pack of Virginia Slims). Stay tuned.

 Trying to stay sane,

Xenu and Baby Snatchers are on my nerves today

I am in a crappy mood today. It is snowing again and my work is driving me crazy. Luckily, I found this blog-hop to participate in. It is a place where I can safely tell the world to suck it. Not you, of course. I am mainly talking about these three fools.



1. Kelly Preston is allegedly pregnant. Uh, look hag, you are 47 (no offense to non-Scientologist ladies in their late 40s who are not with child). You pretty much killed your last kid with all your Scientology nonsense. No more please. Unfit. I don't care if you can afford 10 nannies.Your son had severe autism, he was not overrun by body thetans. All the auditing in the world and prayers to Xenu could not help him. It not only hurt him, it probably killed him.  You do not need to be on the cover of People Magazine, you need to be in a psych ward!

2. Our brilliant District Attorney is charging two ladies with felony impersonation for switching numbers during a bike race. He is the genius behind the Kobe Bryant waste of time prosecution and he also once charged a guy with a felony for throwing a snowball at a acquaintance (among other ridiculous things). Term limits are a good thing.

From 9 News (Denver). I am not including their full names because the whole thing is BS.


One racer, Katie B. , allegedly entered her name in the 40 to 49 year old women's heat, but had 36-year-old Wendy L.race for her. L. then took second place for B.. . . It is not like the racers were trying to win prize money, cash prizes are not awarded in the Leadville 100. Everyone who finishes gets the same thing: a Leadville Trail 100 silver belt buckle. District Attorney XXX  XXXX (editors note: I am X-ing his name out since I am sure he googles himself every day and I practice law here. I don't want to be on his shit list) says he still had to file charges. "I'm not sure of their motives either, but they did assume another persons identity, and one person gained a benefit from that," XXXXX said. It means both women are now facing felony charges for criminal impersonation, but will likely get that knocked down to a lesser charge.

The coveted prize for first and last and everything between.

If they did something so awful why are you reducing the charges, Mr. XXXX?  If it is not a big deal, why are you even charging them at all?  I smell a big fat media whore.

Now that his term is coming to an end, he is going to run for state office of some sort. Quit sucking on the public tit and get yourself real job a-hole.

3. Haiti let Laura Silsby, a whacko, "religious" child snatcher/baby seller out of jail. If she was stealing white babies somewhere, she would be in the pokey for the rest of her life. She will probably write a book saying God was directing her, sell it to the Palin crowd and become a millionaire. I hope I run in to her someday so I can taser her ass.

.

There you have it people, my top three irritants of the moment.

Have a sane day,

Xenu and Baby Snatchers are on my nerves today

I am in a crappy mood today. It is snowing again and my work is driving me crazy. Luckily, I found this blog-hop to participate in. It is a place where I can safely tell the world to suck it. Not you, of course. I am mainly talking about these three fools.



1. Kelly Preston is allegedly pregnant. Uh, look hag, you are 47 (no offense to non-Scientologist ladies in their late 40s who are not with child). You pretty much killed your last kid with all your Scientology nonsense. No more please. Unfit. I don't care if you can afford 10 nannies.Your son had severe autism, he was not overrun by body thetans. All the auditing in the world and prayers to Xenu could not help him. It not only hurt him, it probably killed him.  You do not need to be on the cover of People Magazine, you need to be in a psych ward!

2. Our brilliant District Attorney is charging two ladies with felony impersonation for switching numbers during a bike race. He is the genius behind the Kobe Bryant waste of time prosecution and he also once charged a guy with a felony for throwing a snowball at a acquaintance (among other ridiculous things). Term limits are a good thing.

From 9 News (Denver). I am not including their full names because the whole thing is BS.


One racer, Katie B. , allegedly entered her name in the 40 to 49 year old women's heat, but had 36-year-old Wendy L.race for her. L. then took second place for B.. . . It is not like the racers were trying to win prize money, cash prizes are not awarded in the Leadville 100. Everyone who finishes gets the same thing: a Leadville Trail 100 silver belt buckle. District Attorney XXX  XXXX (editors note: I am X-ing his name out since I am sure he googles himself every day and I practice law here. I don't want to be on his shit list) says he still had to file charges. "I'm not sure of their motives either, but they did assume another persons identity, and one person gained a benefit from that," XXXXX said. It means both women are now facing felony charges for criminal impersonation, but will likely get that knocked down to a lesser charge.

The coveted prize for first and last and everything between.

If they did something so awful why are you reducing the charges, Mr. XXXX?  If it is not a big deal, why are you even charging them at all?  I smell a big fat media whore.

Now that his term is coming to an end, he is going to run for state office of some sort. Quit sucking on the public tit and get yourself real job a-hole.

3. Haiti let Laura Silsby, a whacko, "religious" child snatcher/baby seller out of jail. If she was stealing white babies somewhere, she would be in the pokey for the rest of her life. She will probably write a book saying God was directing her, sell it to the Palin crowd and become a millionaire. I hope I run in to her someday so I can taser her ass.

.

There you have it people, my top three irritants of the moment.

Have a sane day,