so,

“I got you nutella too”

MOM!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN ME? hahaha oy vey- everything in moderation!

I was looking for bathing suits, but apparently they don’t sell them.  I grabbed a few dresses...

Never realized how fucking ugly I am until now…

Finished day 2 week 3 of c25k. I was sweating buckets..literally. Bad thing was that I have misplaced my gym key, so my mom had to sneak me in tonight! Eeek@ I also went for a country bike ride with my best friend :). It was so fucking cold out today…brrrr! I’m hoping to hit my big deal goal in 2 pounds and my 30 pound mini goal in 7 pounds! Finishing off my night with some delicious fruit (apple, banana, pear)!

i am completely off track.

blueberry muffin for breakfast.

chipotle for lunch.

410 + 650 = 1,060 alone wtf?

skipped dinner, had about 10 french fries instead.

what the hell is wrong with me?

first day without new followers, probably deserved that.

no exercise.

not even gonna deal with this

probably just gonna fast now yaaay it was so good last time.

somehow, on these days that are so bad, are the days that i actually have a social life and friends - but i leave the house after looking in the mirror and feeling awful. it’s not worth it. i’d rather feel beautiful and lose the weight first, then go and be happy. 

i don’t need to be happy to do this right. 

If you have any requests for healthy recipes let me know! My family has started trying (and loving) the healthy food I'm making so I go through it faster and can try more new things! :D I only make vegetarian/ fish for myself but I'm more than happy to create a meat recipe for you to try! :)

I was sitting in a huge empty parking lot, on the top of my car with my summer fling.  We got on the conversation of girl’s pants and how tight they are. 

Me-It’s so hard to find pants because look at the ones I’m wearing now (motioning at my black skinny jeans), they fit me perfectly on the legs but look how big they are in the upper thigh/hips (pulling to expose the tons of extra fabric).

Him-haha maybe you should just gain some weight to fit into them

Me-ummm no, I would prefer to not be fat

Him-Yeah but too skinny isn’t okay either. The anorexic type of skinny where the girl looks like she could honestly pass out in 2 seconds or you could break her by touching her.

Me- yet you see millions of girls all over the world starving themselves to look like that (thinking of myself)

Him-yeah but the thing is, no boy likes girls that thin. I’ve never met a guy ever that said his type was the type that was stick thin, never.

he is missing the point, we starve ourselves for ourselves primarily, and secondarily others. I don’t starve myself because I only want boys, but I starve myself out of fear of becoming fat and it’s the only thing I can control anymore (what goes in my mouth).

he also just made me realize that i’m not skinny enough yet because he didn’t categorize me with the “too skinny” girls.

xoxo sarah

So today was okay, I guess. I lost another pound - I’m at 129 exactly! But I ate so fucking much today and girlfriend wants me to start eating 1,200 calories a day and guess what’s not going to happen? That. 

Calorie Count

Total intake: 1,116 (jesus fucking christ)

Total outtake: 222 (so far, I need to burn 194 more)

Total net intake: 894

So damn, I’m just going to have to do better this weekend and maybe I’ll be able to convince her that I’m okay. I don’t know. I’ll just work out and get my net intake down to 700 and maybe tomorrow I can eat under 700. I really hope so. I need to be skinny.

i think my body is oddly shaped … i didn’t really realize it until today thought that i have a pretty small torso, but loooong legs. yeah, that bugs me … but whatever haha

and i just realized that with how much i’ve been running, i haven’t gotten shin splints! which actually makes me really happy because when i run (well jog) i go for 5 miles at the time!

and, p90x seems kind of interesting. but i don’t think i’m going to buy it. but it seems pretty cool.

okay, this was really random! ;)

Next Week's Plans

I’m going to be honest and say that when I stayed at my friend’s house the last couple of days I didn’t exercise as much self-control as I could have. I made a lot of bad choices with the excuse of not being at home and not being in control. I had A LOT of sodium, carbs, and a whole lot of fat(I finally had some pizza which is the only thing I literally refuse to eat because I know I’ll pig out…and I pigged out). It wasn’t pretty. My weight went back up by about 4 pounds as expected but like the last time this happened it’ll go back down pretty quickly and I’ll be right back on track in a couple of days(though I really would like to have continued without any setbacks…hopefully I’ll get through the summer without any more). I obviously haven’t learned my lesson with this, though, and I really need to. I won’t always be able to work out two hours a day and I can’t go my entire life without eating out or indulging so I need how to do it healthily. I can’t just let everything go to shit because it’s too hard to say no.

Anyway, I stayed with my cousin last night because I was babysitting her so when I got home I had a KIND protein bar and worked out for an hour on the elliptical. I had some high fiber oatmeal with a glass of soy milk after. I had a cup of coffee as I made dinner which was a couple of bites of turkey breast, sauteed portabello mushrooms with worchestershire sauce, and salad with balsamic vinegar, red peppers, tomato, and feta cheese. A little bit of pineapple was dessert. I worked out for another hour after that.

Would a hedonist diet?

I’ve been shit slack this week. Well let’s be honest here, for the last two weeks.

Carborama.

Gah. Blah. Oh, oops, that ones copywrited.

I’ve had bread, pasta, pizza (gasp). And the evil of all evils, Coke. A cola.

Boo me. I did go for a run Monday, but I doubt that counts now.

Crap. Why’s it so hard? I’ll attempt to stay away from the Duramine next week but I’m making no promises.

Here’s to another weekend. Cheers big ears.

Jx

Hey there, rib cage. It’s been a while. Now, that you came back I will do anything to keep you.

I haven’t done my workout yet :x

There’s still time! If I don’t get it in today, I’ll just count today as my rest day for the week… I’m so sore already. Getting in and out of the car today was painful lol 

I walked around in the mall for hours shopping though… and didn’t buy anything, what a let down!

Went to dinner at Houlian’s with my sister and didn’t partake in the free disco fries… I only ate a max of 350 calories total so I’m still on track for the day as well, proving it’s entirely possible to make smart choices when eating at restaurants.

Real Girl Thinspo. My favorite kind.

This was something i did in OT(occupational therapy) today… i think it actually shows why Ed is so hard to combat…

it is a dialogue between me and my eating disorder:

Alyssa: I want recovery to live my life

Ed: No, you NEED me to survive

A: I need to change my lifestyle

E: You shouldn’t change anything because you’ll just fuck it all up

A: I want to be healthy and happy

E: I can give you that, if only you’d try harder you fat cow

A: I want to not hate my life

E: You should hate your life because you have fucked it up completely

A: I want a successful career

E: I’ll give you that by pushing you to accept nothing less than perfection. No perfection=FAILURE

A: I want a life filled with love and joy

E: You don’t deserve that

A: I am going to change to better myself

E: I will make your life a living hell if you disobey me

A: I want to be content with my life

E: You can be content when you are perfect

A: I want to have fun

E: You don’t deserve that. Everybody thinks you’re fat anyways, the only reason they hang out with you is so that you make them look better by being the fat friend

A: I want to be Ed free

E: You will never be good enough without me, you’re a loser and a failure without me; you will blow up like a balloon and become the fattest and most hated person on earth without me.

Seems irrational right?

But it goes through my head every minute of every day…

And after awhile…

Ed becomes truth…

if you ever wondered what i’m fighting

that’s part of it

So why do I still look exactly the same when I look in the mirror?:( I feel so fat, gross and just plain fucking ugly. Why can’t I see any of this weight come off? I’m a uk size 6/8, but I still LOOK at least a 12/14. Wtf? My mum wants me to go to the doctor, because she’s worried about the way I see myself. But why can’t she see it? I bet she does, really… So why won’t she admit that my stomach is still disgusting? That my thighs are still huge? That everything still jiggles when I move!? Tomorrow I’m going to drink loooads of water and eat ONLY fruit, and hopefully the next day, too. Actually I might try to do that until monday, I think. I’m so sick of catching my reflection and cringing away from it, will this shit ever stop?:/

MEAL PLAN FOR THE WEEK

Breakfast - banana, green tea

Snack (in school) - gumgumgum :)

Lunch - Weight Watchers soup/ravioli, strawberries/grapes/raspberries for dessert

Snack (before working out) - fruits, like an apple

Dinner (after working out) - canned tuna with corn/3 fiber crispbreads with low-fat, low-cal cheese or salami

Snack (late-night, in case) - fruits!

WORKOUT PLAN - MONDAY, TUESDAY, THURSDAY, FRIDAY

*8-Minute Ab and Arm Workouts, once in the morning and once in the afternoon/evening

*1 hour total of walking/jogging on the treadmill

*30 minutes on the stationary bike

*2 rounds of strength training

-> Wednesday is my day-off from the gym! But I will still do the 8-Minute Ab and Arm Workouts twice, once in the morning and once in the evening.

-> On Saturday next week (June 25), I will take a picture wearing the exact outfit I wore in today’s picture and compare. What the scale says isn’t important.

Cait, you have to realize that you cannot afford any more unhealthy eating! I know the only reason you ate unhealthily tonight was because you had no more fruits to snack on, because your lazy butt just slept this afternoon instead of hit the grocery store. It’s your own fault, but tomorrow will be better. You’re going to stick to your plan, grocery shop for fruits and Weight Watchers soup as well. You are going to work out and love it. You will not even THINK about eating anything that is not what you planned. You are slowly getting back on track, and in a strange way, I’m actually proud of you.